Solitude

My Summer break has commenced, and with it a period of solitude. Not in the lonely, reaching out and missing sort of way but rather the silence and quiet of choice. At the end of the school year, the best thing for my chaotic mind is a week of hibernation. It's not about sleeping in or resting my body, it's about giving my mind time to think and recoup.

Today I went for a short walk through my quaint, lovely neighborhood. During the week days there really are only moms with strollers, the elderly, and construction workers out and about. You can walk slowly without feeling rushed and hassled. I could take time to appreciate the green seeds on the lilac bushes, the way most iron-wrought gates were slightly opened and askew. I noticed the way that the world gets dark for a split second when a bird flies through the path of the sun. The sky, without a single cloud, looks like it could swallow the world in a single gulp.

I went to my happy place, my inner peace's home, a place where I always feel welcomed: the bookstore. It doesn't usually matter which bookstore I go to, the sense of belonging resonates in each one. As I drift away to worlds of fiction and start to travel through time and space via the power of words, I feel so good! Part of me comes to life that lies dormant when I am not actively involved in literary pursuits. I feel good, like apple pie cooling on a windowsill good. And it makes me want to write again, to be one of those voices on the shelf of a local bookstore.

For the past couple of months I have been trying to take a mental journey to stillness, calm, and quiet. My mind was up in arms at every turn, unsure of what to do, where to go, if anything at all in life was going right. My self doubt has been a lifelong battle, and I have never felt good enough at what I do or where I am in life. It is something that I know to be irrational, but also something that I am unable to shake. There is a niggling voice that comes up from time to time that eats away at any confidence reserves that I build up. But I am not going to let the doubt in me win.

I started to practice yoga more frequently. I thought that yoga would be a good way to ease into exercise and work on my body. It has helped more immensely with my mind than my body. I find the breathing to be so relaxing and soothing. Moving my body and flexing in ways that I didn't think I can bend feels rewarding. For the first time in a long time, I am proud of things that I can do with my body! My proudest moment is when I conquered the shoulder stand. One of my yoga instructors commented that she loves to see me smile while I practice yoga--I can't help but smile when I feel so much joy in what I'm doing.

I took a class on meditative painting and how to unblock my creative unconscious through meditating (you can see my work below). I am encouraging myself to do more things independently instead of relying on someone else to go with me. I am trying to empower myself and my choices so that my mind has less to argue about.

I have been thinking a lot about family, about a place that we all use to gather, a place where I found my creative voice to be strong and vibrant. I am coming to terms with letting a lot of things go and opening my mind for new adventures. During the meditation, I saw my beloved dock/pier drifting away into the ocean. It's not moored to the ocean floor but rather bobbing up and down. The sun, when I am near the ocean, is always SO big, so reflected by the ocean waves. And so it is very big in my painting. The teacher posed this question to me, but I am not sure of the answer: Why does the dock's pylon pierce the sun? Why are the pylons uneven? My mind has not yet figured out the reasons.

What do you do to soothe your mind? How do you challenge yourself and your routines? What has been most valuable to you in your pursuits?